Lost Star
by Candy96
Summary: Erin is not holding up really well after the events of 2x20 and Jay is there to help her. SECOND PART UPDATED! COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

Hello y'all! So after last night crossover and the background information given about how Erin will be in a dark plca the following chapter, I got this idea and couldn't stop myself from writing it. I hope you like it :)

* * *

I saw her leave the bar with Voight and I knew she was not dealing with our loss. Honestly, none of us was okay with what happened to Nadia, but Erin had an especial relationship with her. She save her, she helped her get better, she lived with her, they grow closer having a sister bond, she helped her get into the academy; she helped her with her friends. And now, there's not Nadia anymore. At least not physically, we all know that she will be with us every day, present in our memories.

I was already leaving the bar when I felt my phone vibrating in my front pocket, I took it out and saw my sergeant name in the screen, I walked out of the bar and picked up the call.

"Halstead." His scratchy voice said firmly.

"Voight. What's up, how's Erin doing?" I walked to the corner hoping to catch a cab to the hotel.

"Not so good, I didn't imagine it would be this hard on her." He stopped and sight. "Listen, I have to go out but I don't want her to be alone, can you stay with her?"

"Of course, I'm on my way there."

As soon as I walked into the hotel I climbed the steps to the third floor and quickly found Erin's room by the end of the corridor. Before knocking on the door I took a deep breath, I knew that this night was not going to be easy and I should be strong to support her. When I felt ready I knocked and seconds later Voight opened the door. I stepped into the room and noticed Erin standing in front of the window, looking the dark, cold night; a glass of scotch in her hand. Before I could approach her, Voight was taking me back to the door.

"I'm going to be out most of the night, with Benson we have some paperwork to finish. I know you care about her and I trust you, she needs us both in this moment. Don't mess this up kid." He walked back to Erin, whispered something that I could not hear, kissed her forehead and the grabbed his jacket and left.

Erin turned around, looked at me and then she faced the window again. I saw her blood-shot eyes, the mark of dried tear down her cheeks, her lips redder than usual. She took a sip of her drink and I noticed her hands shaking. She wasn't crying, but she was doing everything in her power to not break down. Seeing she like this made my heart ache, I needed to help her heal.

I walked towards her and took the glass out of her hands, put it onto the bureau.

"That is not going to help you." I was next to her once again.

"I know" I saw her standing slouching, nodding at my words, her eyes shout closed, her arms crossed on her mid. I embraced her and the moment her head was resting on my chest I felt her hands grasping my shirt, a deeply sob escaped her lips and her whole body began to shake. I let her cry all she needed, I just hold her tight against me, rubbed her back and wished her pain would disappear. I carried her with me to the end of the bed and sat there; her legs dangling between mines, her torso on resting on mine, her head on my shoulder, her arms around my neck holding me for dear life.

She kept mumbling "is my fault" and I could not take it anymore. She was blaming herself to what happened to Nadia, and that would not help her to move on.

"It was not your fault Er." I ran one of my hands through her hair. "She was out just in the wrong time; this guy was playing with us, it could have been any other."

"But it was her! It was Nadia, and we were late and could not save her." She sobbed. "I should have protected her better."

"Erin, look at me." I moved her arms that were around me and took her face in my hands so she was looking at me. "I know you are hurting, and it does not matter how many 'I'm sorry' or 'it will all be okay' everybody tells you, that will not change the fact that she is not here anymore. But you have to stop doing this to yourself, stop blaming you." She closed her eyes and immediately tears were falling down her face. "Nadia would not want you like this." She groaned, a mouth covering her mouth. "I know you have to grief but let me be here with you. It will be a long way, but eventually things will be back into place. I have been on that shoes Erin, I know what it is to lose a friend. Do whatever you need to do, but please do not let the pain consume you."

She took a deep breath; her body shacked again and looked at me, a forced smile forming on her lips, glassy eyes. "Hug me. Hold me tight, please."

I took her in my arms and she barely relaxed, we sat like that for most than an hour, eventually her cries were slower, lightly and soon I realized that she had fallen asleep. I accommodated her in my arms so she was in a more lying position, not so bent, and I stared at her. She looked a little bit paler than usual, her frown gathering, her eyes puffy, her cheeks and nose rosy, her mouth slightly open, her lips dark red and bloated. She was tense.

I stood up and walked with her in my arms to rest her down properly on the bed, I took out her shoes and tuck her. The moment I moved away from her she shiver and woke up.

"Stay with me." Her dark green eyes were pleading me.

I took off my shoes and coat, moved her to the centre of the bed and lied on my side facing her; I put an arm around her middle and hold her closer.

"Thank you." She closed her eyes and respite deeply in my shirt.

I kissed the top of her head. "Go back to sleep, I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

So, what do you think? I was thinking of doing a part two where they are back in Chicago,not sure still.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello! So I couldn't get out of my mind the idea of a second part and the very same day I update the first cap I started writing this one and just finish. Also, this is the longest chapter I ever wrote and I'm pretty happy how it turned out. An ENORMOUS thank you for all the reviews,follows and fav, you gays are all amazing and it's thanks to you that I keep writing.

Enjoy your reading!

* * *

The last day in New York, Erin seemed to be doing better. She had not cry, she helped the team to finish the last paperwork and even shared some memories of Nadia with all of us. We all thought that, abruptly, she had accept what happened and was moving on; I was feeling great knowing that I helped her heal. But the first night back in Chicago we all realized that she was in the same place that the day Nadia died. She went to Molly's with us, sat there and started drinking, we all knew she could resist as many drinks us as, but she was drinking to forget, she was not talking with us, laughing of our jokes or mocking Ruzek stupidities. Her eyes were lost, distant. She was with us only physically. I didn't even want to imagine how she would be after tomorrow's memorial.

Once again, I took her home and spent the night holding her in my arms. Remembering her that I was not her fault what happened to Nadia and to let us all help her through this as we too were grieving. Next morning I woke up and she was not by my side, I went first to the bathroom and then the kitchen to get myself a cup of coffee and there I found her, standing in front of the fridge, her eyes fixed on some photos. I put my hand on her shoulder, comforting her; she turned around looking at me and fought the tears. I forced a smile, words were not needed. We both knew and were feeling the same pain.

* * *

The memorial was short yet meaningful. It was just us, the guys from Intelligence, Kim, Roman and Platt. All of our hearts ached when Erin read the letter that Nadia had passed her exams to the police academy, we all knew that it was her dream and she would've been a hell of a cop.

That same night, everybody was supposed to hang at Molly's but at last minute I decided against it, instead I went out for a run and ended at the cemetery. As I approached Nadia´s grave, I saw someone sitting in front of it. It was Erin; I could recognize that curvy, dirty-blond hair anywhere. I walked to her and saw the six-beer pack lying next to her, almost all the bottles empty. I sat by her side and rubbed her back. She took a deep breath, her body still shaking from the sobs.

"I was decided to move on from all this after the memorial. So when I got home I started to pack her things." She stopped and searched in her jacket pockets. "I found this in her closet."

She gave me a white envelope; I looked at her waiting for permission and then opened it. I took out a birthday card and read it.

"_Happy birthday Erin, _

_I hope you have an amazing day and don't get mad about the surprise party; it's just a little way of giving you back something for all you did for me. _

_I'll always be thankful for you saving me and showing me the light in my path and be there every step of the way, never forget that._

_Love you,_

_Nadia."_

"Did you read it? She thanked me for saving her. I wish she could send me a letter telling me '_Thanks for getting me killed´_" She emptied her last bottle of beer.

I put the card back in the envelope and faced her, my hands on her shoulders. "When will you stop with all this? How many times do we have to tell you it was not your fault?" I stopped her when she tried to speak. "Stop with the drinking, stop with the blaming, stop shutting us off Erin. I cannot see you like this, stop hurting yourself. We are all grieving, but we support with each other, let us be there for you."

She shut her eyes closed, tightly, and broke down. "I just want her back, I want to came home and find her on the couch watching a stupid soap-opera, with ice-cream and a spoon ready for me, I want to wake up and find her with her nose in the books, studying. I want to hear her voice once again. I want to close my eyes and not see her dead expression on the cold ground where we found her. But I can't. I can't stop hurting Jay; my heart does not stop aching."

I hugged her and rock us both. The beautiful, confident, strong, brave, smart-ass Erin Lindsay I have always known was totally and completely broken. Darkness had changed her, now she was vulnerable, insecure, weak and reckless. She needed help, hope and love; and I was not ready to give up on her. I stood up and helped her get on her feet.

"Came on, let's go. Did you drive here?" We walked to the street, my left arm around her shoulder, keeping her close to me.

"I took my car to a junkyard and eventually will buy a new one, so I just walked." She sight and looked down. I understood her; that was the car where Nadia spent her last hours alive, where she had been kept for freedom, tortured and probably beaten to death. I would not want that car either.

"Then we will catch a taxi to my apartment, I will shower and then we are going back to your place. What do you think?"

"Yeah, okay"

The ride to my apartment was short. None of us spoke a single word. Erin sat with her face stickled on the window, not really looking outside. I hold her hand the whole time, not wanting to let her get away from me, letting her know that I was there for her. I needed to bring her back to life.

Once inside my apartment I locked the door and headed to the kitchen, keeping the keys in my pockets. While I prepared some coffee, Erin sat quietly on the couch, looking the turn-off TV screen. Before going to the bathroom I handed her a cup the warm, black drink, turn on the television and went to have a quick shower, being sure that my keys were out of Erin reach; in that moment I did not trust her to stay without trying to leave.

As I got out of the bathroom I glanced at the room and panicked when I did not see her there. I almost run to the door when I spotted her standing in the middle of the kitchen. I sight in relief, she had not left. I approached her and saw she was holding something in her hands, as I got closer I knew what it was. A printed photo of us when we were dating; it was one of those cheesy photos.

"You did buy it." She looked at me smiling. A smile I have not seen the last couple of days.

I took the photo from her hands, looked it and smiled remembering that night. I had insisted her on going out, like in a real date. So I put in my tuxedo and picked her up at her apartment, a bouquet in my hands; she was wearing a light-yellow-ocher dress that fell up on her knees, a black strip in the middle that matched her steels and purse; her hair down, slightly curvy. I took her to a fancy restaurant, and later that night drove us to Conrad Hotel where I had booked us a bedroom for the night. As we walked hand in hand through the bar of the hotel, a photographer spotted us and offered to take some pictures of us. He shot his camera four or five time before giving us his card if we wanted to get the photos. In that printed photo, I was hugging Erin with my left arm around her middle, my right hand cupping her left cheek ; her right hand hugging my neck and the other one resting comfy on my chest; both of our eyes closed as I was approaching her smiling face to kiss her. Damn it, I wish I could still kiss her every day.

I scratched my neck nervously. "So did you." The day I went to buy the photo, the photographer told me my girlfriend had been there the previous day picking up some copies.

She walked toward the counter and poured herself another cup of coffee, her back to me. "I miss those days."

"Yeah, me too." She did not turn to me neither answered back so I just walked back to my room to get changed. When I was ready I pack a small bag knowing I would spend the night at her place again. She was in the bathroom while I was finishing getting my things up, walking out of the kitchen I grabbed her jacket from the couch to give it to her when I heard something falling from it. I looked down and there it was a small see-through bag with "happy dust" inside. I picked it up as she walked out of the bathroom; I held the drug in front of her waiting for her reaction. She stood frozen, looking at me and then the bag. The color left her face, her eyes wide open.

"Please tell me you are not back on this shit Erin. Please." I begged her. I knew she was hurting but her grieving had gone too far.

She shook her head no. "I'm not." She stated, still dead in her tracks.

"Then why would you…" She interrupted me.

"I just wanted to numb the pain for a while but Jay, I swear you I hadn't consume" Her glassy eyes were supplicating me to accept her answer. "You have to believe me Jay."

"I believe you." I sight, my body relaxing. Looking through her eyes I knew she was not lying to me. I stepped to her and open her right hand putting the bag on it. "Get rid of it." She opened her mouth trying to speak but nothing came out. "I'll do it with you, came on." I walked her to the bathroom and turn on the tap, the water spattering the washbasin. "Smash it Erin." Her shaky hands opened the bag and throw the coke to the water. She sobbed as realization hit her, I turn off the tap and hugged her; she murmured "I'm sorry" again and again over my chest.

"That was the easy way Er, you know it right?" I felt her nodding as tears were still soaking my t-shirt. "But you are stronger than that, and I will help you to get on your feet."

An hour later I was sitting on her couch waiting she finished having a shower, the delivered ice-cream had already arrived and the pop music playing in the background. As she walked into the living room wearing her pajamas she looked at me strange, a small smile forming on her lips.

"What's all this?"

I stood up and give her a bowl of ice-cream. "I told you I would help you to pack Nadia things, and we will do it listening to the music she loved and eating her favorite ice-cream" I hold her hand and pushed her to Nadia's room. "Let's start".

Going through Nadia stuff was not easy but after midnight; with some anecdotes and tears in between we finished. There were three middle-size boxes with her clothes and a small one with some photos, letters, books and personal belongings Erin wanted to keep.

We hit the couch with a cup of coffee in our hands to talk before going to bed.

"Nadia's death made me realize that we do not know how longer we will live of what will happen tomorrow." I let her keep talking, unsure of what she was trying to say but glad that she was opening up to me. "Our time is short and I do not want to waste another day wondering what we could have been."

"Erin…" I took her hand trying to stop her from talking but she silenced me.

"I know that now it is not the right time but I want us to try again." She caressed my right cheek as her forehead rested on mine, our eyes closed. "I love you Jay"

During our short time dating we had never used the "L" word but we both knew our feelings regarding each other. But Erin saying out loud that she loved me, made me fall in love with her all over again and I felt my heart beating faster. I closed the space between us and give her a peck on the lips. "I love you too Er." I hugged her and accommodated us on her couch so she was lying over me.

"You are right, now is not the best time but as soon as you are start feeling better we will try again. I promise you, there is nothing more I want than to be with you every day."

She kissed my chest. "Don't give up un me Jay, with your help I will heal but please help me get over this."

"I will be with you every step of the way" I felt her nod and her arms gripping tighter around me; I run my hand up and down her back until I heard her breathing deeply, a sign that she finally was asleep. I knew there were some rough and dark days ahead from both of us, there was still so much to heal, but it was worthy. I needed to save the girl of my dreams.

**The end.**

* * *

Sooooooo, what do you think? Review!

p.s: There won't be another update regarding this story


End file.
